Today I Should Have Held You

To my fifth baby,
I should have held you today, but instead I only think of what would have been. Your daddy and I named you Matthew Shawn because I had a dream of you. I saw you just as clear as day. A little boy with blond hair with slight curls, chubby cheeks, and green eyes. You were running in the yard with all of your brothers and sisters. I dreamed of you the night before I lost you. I would like to think this was God's gift to me. I will miss you everyday of forever.

Piece of my Heart
How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.
I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.
The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?
Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.
But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those eight weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.

Angel Baby #3

On May 13, 2011, we found out we were pregnant with our fifth baby. As much as I tried, I could not keep my excitement at bay. Josh was so excited. Tests results revealed I was approximately 7 weeks along. As with my other babies, I dreamed of my baby. I saw him clear as day. A curly, blond hair, green eyed boy running in the back yard with my other children, even the ones I lost. I knew we would call him Matthew Shawn.

As the days progressed, I began to cramp and knew in my heart it was not meant to be. At a late night meeting on May 18, 2011, I began to cramp and bleed. By the following morning, Josh decided it was time to bring me to the hospital where the ER confirmed my worst fears.

Updates

A year has gone by and there have been many changes in my little family. Alexis will be turning 2 in a few short weeks. After a brief ordeal with fears that she was unable to walk, she proved us wrong and began to walk on her own sweet time. SJ is growing like a weed, but unfortunately it appears he will be short like his mom. Lexi is almost 2 years younger, but only an inch shorter. Poor little guy. Josh and I have both obtained new positions at different companies; moving up the corporate ladder if you will. We both are extremely happy and words can not describe our joy when we look at our little family. I do however have the occasional cry on the what could have been. From my previous post, you see that I should have had a 1 year old, 2 year old, and 4 year old by now. Had my second angel been born in July, I would have had a seven month old. I truly hope that one day I will see my little angels and in the meantime pray that the Lord would sit them on his knee and tell them about their mother.

In the past year, I have tried my best to remember my lost babies and pay tribute to them the best I can. In October, I attended a walk in rememberance of Oct. 15th rememberance day. I heard about the event from http://www.october15th.com/. The organizer, Tara Breaux, is a wonderful lady who lost her daughter in February 2010. She was so creative on the different ways to remember our babies and to take the steps they never had the chance to. I was blessed to have my sister, mother, and best friend to come along and support me during the walk.

Another Year

Dear First Unborn,
Today marks what would have potentially been your 1st birthday. My heart breaks a little more with every event you're not here for, today should be a special day, instead it's just a reminder that you're not here for it. I can't help but to think about the what ifs.

Please know that I will always love you and you are always on my mind.

Love Mommy.

When the going gets tough....drink tequlia

It has been one terrible week. I am the HR Director at my job and it is my responsibility to deal with all the "people crap." Typically, I get just cry baby stuff. However, this week, I am forced to deal with layoffs, reductions, and terminations. I can not stand to do that sort of thing. In the back of my mind, I always just want to go and hug these people and apologize profusely. I know it's really not my fault, but I am the messenger. 2 down 8 to go. Wonderful.

In addition, my daughter Alexis started running 103 fever. Just a quick back story on her, in December she was diagnosed with double pneumonia and RSV. She was put in the Pediatric ICU for 7 days. Poor baby. So when she started running this fever, I kind of freaked out. I brought her to the doctor and they told me she had pneumonia AGAIN!!!! I can't believe it! So to top it all off, I had to deal with a very grumpy husband for having to take off from work to stay with her. I mean what did he expect me to do? Fire employees over the phone? On second thought, that doesn't seem like a bad idea. I wonder if we could fire over text messaging.

Updates on Life

So I finally started my period on January 16th, the day before my husband's birthday (sorry honey). You know your a infertile beach when you get excited to see that cycle which means you can start trying again. I say trying, but I've decided just to wing it. I will not go back to the doctor as my husband suggested. I will not ask to be put on clomid. I plan to just track my days with my hand-dandy ovecue monitor and wait. I also plan not to stress over it and just try to let nature take it's course (says the infertile). This translates to I will probably not have a cycle for oh six months and I will spend a small fortune just on pregnancy tests. Hopefully, the Walgreens guy won't think I have a thing for him.



In other news, we had our first trip to the ER in 2010. Josh had a tumble down the stairs and I had to rush him to the ER. Turns out the poor guy got a couple of brusied ribs. At the time of the fall, Josh had SJ in his arms. Little SJ sat very still by his dad and asked quietly, "are you ok daddy?" AWWWW, how sweet. Poor little guy was worried about his daddy all day. This past weekend was the first time Josh felt well enough to climb the stairs to get SJ from his room. Upon their decent, SJ looked up at his dad and said BE CAREFUL!!!!

Oh how I love being a mommy.

To my first unborn

You would have been born today my little one. So close to New Year's, there would have been bets all around guessing your birth. I miss you so much and wish everyday you were with me. Your daddy and I talk all the time about how our lives would have changed had you been here. Your brother and sister would have loved you so much!

I know you are happy where you are. I promise I will be with you when my time is done.

Love Always,
Mommy