Number 3

Ok, my last blog told you all about my little Princess. A few weeks after the delivery, I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. This was on April 10th. On April 11th, I started Fred (my monthly visitor). Lovely.

By May 28th, still no cycle. Hmm. Should I be concerned? I realize that after the birth of SJ, I did not have a cycle for 8 months. Why is this lack of a cycle bothering me so much? I just couldn't shake that something was off. So on May 31st, I took a pregnancy test. Sure enough, I was pregnant once again. How could this be? I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant that easily. Heck, my cycles were always so irregular. I almost always needed some help with ovulation inducing drugs. I told my husband and he was completely floored; although extremely excited.

Try as we may to keep the news under wraps, we were much too excited and told our family. Congrats all around. That Monday, I went to the doctor's office for blood work. Sure enough, I was pregnant. That Wednesday, I went for my first appointment. To my surprise, they said I would have an ultrasound to measure how far along I was. I cried when I saw that little heartbeat on the screen. Too bad, my husband couldn't get off of work to join in. I was told that my levels were a little low, and that they wanted me to start progesterone pills. I thought nothing of this as this was the case with my two previous pregnancies. I called my husband after the appointment and filled him in on their concerns and that I was able to see the little heartbeat. He felt bad for not being there, but promised he would make it there for the next appointment.

That Saturday, my husband went to his parent's house to help his father move some things. I was left with the two munchkins at home. While laying my two year old down for his nap, I felt a familiar gush between my legs. Hmmm. That can't be good.

As soon as I could, I rushed to bathroom to discover bright red blood. Oh no. Around that time, my husband comes strolling in. I let him know what's going on. Although concerned, he reassures me that this also happened with the other pregnancies and everything was going to be fine. I knew as soon as he said it, it wasn't true. Within the hour, I filled up two maxi-pads. I told my husband that we should head to the hospital. We called my mother to stay with the kids and we drove the 45 minutes to the hospital. Along the way, I began cramping horribly. I cried and cried for I knew what was happening. My husband felt completely helpless.

At the ER, I was greeted by two very understanding nurses who rushed me to the back. I was slightly relieved when I saw the doctor was a female. Usually, they are more understanding. She ordered an ultrasound and blood work. About an hour later, I was brought back for the ultrasound. Although the tech tried to block my view, I was able to peak around her shoulder. There was no baby, no heartbeat. I kept chanting to myself, don't panic, don't panic. Somehow this was going to work out, right?

About three hours later, the ER doctor walks in. She looks at me, and says, "I'm confused. I thought you said that you were pregnant." I reply, "Yes, I just had it confirmed on Monday and my first appointment with ultrasound on Wednesday." She looks at the chart again. "Well, there is no baby in your uterus and the blood work came back negative for pregnancy. I didn't order a urinalysis because you said you were pregnant. I don't understand." At this point, this doctor is looking at me like I have completely lost my mind. I try again to tell her that this is not my first rodeo, I have been pregnant before, and my doctor did confirm the pregnancy. The ultrasound said I was about 6-7 weeks along. Hell, I even saw the heartbeat, although faint, I saw it. I demanded she call my doctor. With a sigh, she agreed.

During the next two hours, I refuse to speak with anyone else. Finally, exhausted and feeling the strings of my composure slipping away. I tell my husband I want to go home and I check myself out of the ER. On the way home, I have my husband stop by the store and buy some pregnancy tests. When I get home, I take one and it says positive. I take another, positive. The next day, I took two more, both positive. On Monday, I call my doctor's office and demand an appointment. Thankfully, the nurse pushed me in. Before leaving, I walk into the bathroom to find the tests I took the day prior were blank. Funny, they usually stay positive for about two to three days. So, I take one last test before walking out the door. Negative.

The feeling of loss overcame me. I curled up in a ball on the floor. I had lost my baby. I was beginning to regret my insistence that my husband go to work instead of staying with me that morning. I couldn't call him, I couldn't speak. So, I texted him that I had lost our baby. Looking back, that may have been a little insensitive on my part. Thankfully, my husband understood and texted back that he loved me and that he would be home early.

As I waited for the doctor, I felt frustrated. I already knew what he was going to say. Hell, I read it for myself just a an hour earlier. His nurse came in and I explained the situation. She rushed me into the ultrasound room. The doctor came a short time later and began the scan. Sure enough nothing. He said it looked like everything was just breaking down and that I would not need a d&c. He told me that I would need to wait two cycles and then try again.

With that, this little life was gone. It was surprising how quickly I got attached to the little life. I feel who heartedly the baby was a boy. I knew exactly what the name would have been, Ethan Isiah. Now, I continue to face people who had heard through the grapevine of this small little town that I was expecting again. Why in the heck do people feel the need to spread around my good news, but feel that it's my responsibility to tell everyone the bad news. I can't stand that. I wanted to call every family member and ask that they provide me a list of everyone they told I was pregnant so that I know to avoid those people.

Is there anyone out there that has experienced this? Any ideas on how to handle it?