Nightmare on Elm Street Part Two

Ok, so I am officially a slacker. I started this blog with the intent to write everyday. I planned to chronicle my life through mommyhood and infertility. But look at me, I couldn't even bring myself to write during a time when I really should.

So from my last post you found out we were expecting baby #4 (2 live births and 1 mc). Although excited, fears were definitely running ramped. The nurse called after my second blood draws and said that the levels were going up, but the doctor wanted to re-run the tests in one week. That would have been Thursday, Nov 12th. Frustrated and worried, I had the blood work done and waited the 24 hours for the results. That night I dreamed that I woke up covered in blood and the feeling of loss started all of again. I woke up that Friday the 13th thankful it WAS just a dream. Mercifully, the nurse called me by 920 that morning to tell the levels looked great and that the doctor wanted to wait two weeks for me to come in for the first ultrasound. I put it on my calendar November 25th at 1020 am. According to my calculations, I would be 8 weeks 2 days along. PERFECT, I would be able to see the little heartbeat. I couldn't wait.

Saturday, November 14th- I woke up early due to some cramping and the urge to pee. I groggily shuffle to the bathroom, a quick wipe and... what's that???.. did I see red?... Let's try that again. Sure enough red. How can this be? I just got the thumbs up yesterday for crying out loud. Finding that the bleeding was not stopping anytime soon, I put on a pad and slowly walk to the kitchen.

As I'm fixing my coffee, my husband walks in, taking a break rustling the kids, and tried to get me to go back to bed. Quick explanation, we have decided to take turns getting up with the babies on the weekends. This way, it's fair and everyone gets one day to sleep in. Not surprisingly, Joshua has picked Sunday as his day to sleep in. Not only does he miss getting the kids ready for church, but he gets to lounge around while we're gone. I call it his "me time." Anywho, I brush him off, by the simple statement, "I'm bleeding." I see the disappointment in his eyes and I quickly look away.

We spend the rest of the day in silence. Thankfully, he called his mother to come take the babies for the afternoon so we can just sit there and not have to pretend that everything is great. Of course he asked if we should go to the hospital. In which I replied, what's the point? Really, there is nothing they can or will do to make it stop. I was perfectly fine. Devastated yes, but physically fine.

On Monday, I was able to get an appointment right away. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound. He said that he saw the gestational sac, but it was surrounded by blood and that he believed I was in the early stages of a miscarriage. My mother, who came with me, began to explain to the doctor that she had periods the entire 8 months she was pregnant with my sister and me. To which he replied that he has seen this numerous times and that it was his professional opinion that I was having a miscarriage. The plan was to take my blood that Monday, the 16th and then again on Wednesday the 18th. This should give us an accurate view of what my HCG levels are doing. Although my mother heard every word the doctor said, she still calls my father as we were walking out and says, "well we still have a baby." WTH!!!! I tried again to explain to my mother what's going on. She just stares at me uncomprehending. Thankfully, I was able to steal a few moments to walk away and call my DH to explain what happened.

That Tuesday, I woke up around 3 am in a puddle of blood. Thankfully, Josh was called away by SJ to sleep in the other room. After changing my underwear, pad, and sheets, I went back to the bathroom. I felt the urge to push and the next thing I know there was a large mass that landed on the toilet paper. It kinda looked like a heart. It was covered with blood and had long tendrils working its way around itself. I kind poked around at it, and I discovered a small almost clear fluid-filled sac. It was the size and shape of a Lima bean and it had a little red string attached to it. Panicked, I quickly flushed it. I now wonder it that was my little one. I didn't see anything in the sac, but I was too afraid to look much closer. I do feel bad, maybe I should have done something more. Maybe buried it in the backyard? I don't know.

Wednesday, Nov 18th roled around and I went to the doctor for blood work. I went back to work to inform my boss about my odd disappearances and erratic schedule. Of course the sympathy face that I remembered from 5 short months ago reappeared. Sigh.

Today, I got the dreaded call from the nurse. My heart already knew it, but it was still difficult to hear. My numbers went from 6000 something on Monday to 1400 something on Wednesday. This definitely indicates a miscarriage. After giving her sympathies, she tells me that I will need to come back on Monday for more blood work to make sure the levels keep falling. Words completely fail me. All I can think is, THIS SUCKS!!!

Sleep peaceful Bethany Joy.